I think we can all agree every relationship, whether vanilla or BDSM, can benefit from some negotiation. Negotiation is nothing more than having a discussion about the practices and expectations about the relationship and the activities…and of course, about compromising.
But in BDSM couples, negotiation is one of the most important parts of the process; the stakes are much higher, physically as well as psychologically. Firstly, every person involved must be very clear about what they are looking for in a relationship; they must also have a good idea of what their preferences are, what they positively don’t want to try ever in their lives, and what things they are willing to give a go. And always be clear that no means no; every one is allowed to say no if they wish so because boundaries should be accepted and understood, all the time without excuses forever and ever.
Before anyone enters a relationship with someone they must be aware of the potential risks, so be very careful about what you choose to enter and involve in. You must also be very careful about respecting everyone; every activity and choice must always come from a place of mutual respect because without it, you can never build a successful and healthy relationship.
This is very important to keep in mind, especially if the play evolves into activities of humiliation, for instance. Knowing everything is coming from a place of respect is always re assuring. And always having in mind this respect comes from a mutual understating and equals parts of said respect.
When it comes to submissives, this is extra helpful. Just because someone chooses submission doesn’t mean they can be set aside or have a green pass to walk all over them. As a submissive, you need to find someone who understands and appreciates that choice and all that involves. Be very careful about who you chose to dominate you because this is a relationship incredibly important. And always be aware of the golden rule: trust your instincts because they never lie (like Shakira’s hips wink*)
The BDSM community is huge and tends to be composed of wonderful people, so if you’re interested in this lifestyle is a good idea to make friends around. Remember: dominants and submissives may come and go with time, but good friends stand the test of time. They will offer you support, insight, second (or thirds) opinions and general happiness all around.
And this is extra important if you are starting out. People in the community will no doubt help you and guide you as much as you can in your journey.
When you are looking for a partner, don’t lose sight of the goal. This means being able to see behind the physical or superficial aspects of the person and really focus whether that person would make a good partner for you in particular. What works for someone may not work for the other; just because someone has found their perfect match it doesn’t necessarily means it will be the perfect partner for another. Relationships depend on a variety of things like common goals, chemistry, interests, dislikes, etc.
Just remember no one is absolutely perfect and here is where negotiating and compromising take on a special role. No one has infinite amounts of knowledge; every single person has his or her own flaws, fears, strengths…every one has good days and every one has bad days as well. It is always helpful to put in your partner’s shoes every once in a while; and this why you should always be considerate and respectful when you are treating them… and of course you should always, no matter what, expect the same treatment in return wink*
Everyone makes mistakes every once in a while because, hey we are only humans after all. It’s not the end of the world and things can always be talked about and discussed because, hey we are also humans and adults here wink*
